Conan O'Brien

Welcome, trustees, deans, faculty, alumni, graduates, families, my fellow honorands, Justice Department spies and that Uber Eats driver delivering mimosas. As I look upon this gathering of tomorrow's greatest minds, I'm confident saying there is no less flattering outfit than the cap and gown.

We all look like the potions professor at Hogwarts. Up here on stage, it feels like an AA meeting for druids. I want to thank President Garber for his incredible stewardship of this graduating class.

Fantastic job, sir. Really nice. Really nice. Normally I would give you an A+, but in keeping with upcoming Harvard policy, I'm adjusting your grade to a C-. Trust me, it's for the good of the school.

I will keep my remarks brief, because MIT's graduation is also today, and I want to give you a 15-minute head start on your job hunt. Those nerds down the river won't know what hit 'em. Also, just a quick announcement, after the ceremony, tequila shots are on me at the Porcellian Club.

Yeah. Yeah. You're all invited. Just force your way inside and tell 'em Conan sent you. They're an understanding bunch.

As we gather here today at this beautiful Tercentenary Theatre, I am struck by one thought: only someone from Harvard would call this patch of grass a Tercentenary Theatre. "Just look at this yard, Percival. 'Tis a veritable Tercentenary Theatre."

Harvard, why use a $5 word when a $50 word will do? It's really nice to be back at the very last place I used the word querulous in a sentence. Standing right over there by Widener, I asked someone, "What does querulous mean?"

Fortunately, they knew the answer, because it was a Yale student. Man, they're good. Oh, please. Please. Let us not denigrate our fellow Ivies.

Let's admit that all seven are worthy institutions. Except for Princeton. Those people are absolute tools. What the hell's going on over there?